It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
