Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
