Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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