Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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