just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
