True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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