yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
