dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
