Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We are all done wearing pants today
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
