Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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