My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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