I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just had sex on a roof
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
