the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I pour the whiskey from now on
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
