his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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