I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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