Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
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So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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