Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
