If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
