he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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