Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
how drunk are you?
Several
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
