I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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