He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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