So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
