I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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