Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
