You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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