you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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