So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
