i already hear my dad disowning me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
