she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
