I wish I only lived at night.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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