He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
