I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Drake has all the answers
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
