Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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