So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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