Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
