Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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