I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I smell stomach acid.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I could fuck to npr.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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