Whod you bang
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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