When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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