dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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