my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
