Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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