I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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