I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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