I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
youre lurking in front of me
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sponge bath it is.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
