I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
