Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
