ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
