You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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