I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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