idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
