he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
