i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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