Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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