What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
