Im at strip club and am horny
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
